Wednesday, 7 January 2015

The Golden Burlyturd 2014 Award

It's time for the Golden Burlyturd 2014 award and what a year it was. The list of candidates for 2014 was quite impressive, for all the wrong reasons.

From a famous Soho venues closure (two groups fighting it out for the award, criminal behaviour and political behaviour) to a more local (to me) failing burlesque club of shame to a promoter exploiting performers via the release of dubious merchandise. There's even been the continued assault on performers privacy and purses/wallets by the desperate for cash Fa(r)cebook.

However as 2014 progressed I became more and more aware of an entity that swept the board for the Golden Burlyturd award, especially considering how much exposure the winner got from people who in their line of business (or hobby) might have been a little bit more switched on, and yet didn't seem to be.

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the Golden Burlyturd 2014 Award winner.

In 2014 I could not believe how many 'get this banned' or similar campaigns where started against forms of entertainment. If a song, comedian or act was offencive to some people it was deemed to be unfit for anyone to hear or see. A pair of naked breasts in a newspaper with far more dubious qualities was the major problem. A comedian I'd never even heard of was all of a sudden just as awful as a man trying to come to the UK to teach men how to aggressively break down womens willpower so they'd sleep with them. A rubbish pop song I'd heard countless times and never cared about was all of a sudden a major part of rape culture. If you enjoy pornography (and based on the other people/songs/images listed previously it maybe suicide to admit you do) then a whole lot of sexual acts you're legally entitled to perform at home with a consenting partner are now illegal to watch on the Internet or on a DVD!

I'd like to go on. I had a huge ranty essay to write, but then the 7th January 2015 became a day burned into the minds of millions of people. Twelve people (maybe more by the time you read this) who were murdered because they were involved in entertainment that was offencive to some.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of all the people at French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo and the police officers trying to protect them who died after a terrorist attack on the 7th January 2015.

Friday, 2 January 2015

2014 Year in Review

For me 2014 has been an odd year, odd in a good way. The recovery from a disappointing 2013 has commenced but I've experienced a loss of energy in certain areas of my life, this blog being a victim of that energy loss.

To try and recover some of the energy loss I've decided to slightly re-work the usual year in review that was started by retired burlesque performer Emerald Ace. I want something that fits me better.

1. What has been you favourite night out this year (working and watching)?

Purely from a burlesque perspective the best night out for me in 2014 was the February 8th Joe Blacks House of Burlesque. An incredible cast featuring many of Angel and my favourites (Vicky Butterfly, Carrie Ann O'Dell, Bruise Violet, Terms of Unnervement, Abigail Collins and Mister Joe Black) mixed with acts we'd not seen before but thoroughly enjoyed.

From a working perspective I adored Enchanted Burlesque Spellbound at Steeple Aston. I'm in love with the Steeple Aston audience and the event ran very smoothly. Despite a knee injury that has dogged me for most of 2014 and had kicked off in the week leading up to this show I felt that everything ran smoothly.

2. The worst show you were involved in and the worst show you watched this year.

In a year of great shows work wise the worst for me was one I was contracted to work simply because it wasn't my show... that's the only reason why it's the worst (it was actually a good show so perhaps the term should have been least best).

The worst show I watched was also very very good from an on-stage perspective, however one of the promoters took it upon themselves to cause problems during the show. Once I became aware of what was going on I decided to leave before the show ended.

3. What was/is your first and last gig of 2014 (watching or promoting)?

First show watching: Joe Blacks House of Burlesque

Last show watching: Tooty Frooties Night of Burlesque (which raised nearly £500 for Acorns - well done ladies).

4. Who were your favourite performers/acts to watch this year?

From the professionals: Abigail Collins, Velma Von Bon Bon (I sneaked out the front to watch her new Martini Glass act), Mister Meredith (finally got to watch him perform live), Angel LaVey (who doesn't love Careless Jizzer), Vicky Butterfly, Carrie Ann O'Dell and Bruise Violet.

That's the problem with running shows, I get to book some great acts but then I just don't get to see them perform on show night (without sneaking out the front to watch).

From the up and coming performers who're banging away at that glass ceiling with sledge hammers: Jacques Bruxelles, Allouetta la Zouch, Cece Sinclair and Lux DeLioux.

5. What was the worst thing about being a burlesque promoter this year?

The take over of the Old Rep Theatre by BOA was stressful, by the time we had the final go ahead for our first 2015 show on Valentine's Day a lot of performers we initially contacted had been give solid bookings elsewhere whilst one performer didn't take kindly to our need to contract quickly and walked away because it was her belief there was no rush with the show being 3 months away!

6. Who have you met and enjoyed working with this year through burlesque?

Abigail Collins and EastEnd Cabaret. All awesome ladies (and half man). And always Mister Meredith.

7. What have you achieved/been proud of this year?

More private parties. For Angel more workshops.

8. What were your Burly related goals this year, did you achieve them?
The concept for 2014 didn't happen, it was a victim of my drop in energy and insufficient time. On the plus side the special feeling for Enchanted Burlesque theatre shows is well and truly back, as is the audience love which felt like it overtook Facebook following Panache.

Steeple Aston was of course a resounding success in every sense.
8. Burlesque in the media in 2014... any thoughts?

Shockingly positive if you consider the closure of Madam Jojos, many newspapers attacked Westminster City Council for destroying Soho and changing it into yet another bland part of Central London.

9. What else did you do this year that could be related to burlesque?

I finally got to watch Penn & Teller and the last ever show by Monty Python. Being at the O2 for the very last show by Monty Python was a once in a life time experience. I feel quite sad that my father died in 2013 because I wanted to thank him for getting me into Monty Python when I was younger. I also finally got to watch Avenue Q.

For me Monty Python, Penn & Teller and Avenue Q contain elements that are perfect for a burlesque show.

10. Comment on burlesque politics 2014.

Ugh! One event promoter needs to be wiped off the face of the earth before the brand they've created with their fellow promoters becomes a niche event that raises even less money than they need. Control freakery is not a good thing when performers are appearing out of the goodness in their hearts.

12. Lessons of 2014

Angel LaVey is great at selling and sealing the deal. I need to shut up more and let her strike whilst the iron is hot.

13. What are your Burly related goals for 2014?

TOP SECRET (for now).

Sunday, 14 September 2014

The Enchanted Burlesque Hall of Fame 2014

Yes, it's well past that time of year again when I should have already done this...

... but I haven't.

Never mind. All good things come to those who wait (although bad things can also come to those who wait too long).

Here are the rules again from last year (slightly edited).

1) Only open to those involved in any Enchanted Burlesque event, public or private.

2) The Silk Stocking Striptease Show also counts for the Enchanted Burlesque Hall of Fame as it was the predecessor of Enchanted Burlesque.

3) All inductions are selected by myself only, the reason why this is purely musings by myself and not an actual or official Enchanted Burlesque hall of Fame.

4) Induction must come with a valid reason for me.

5) Induction is not just open to performers.

6) I am a valid inductees.

7) Not everyone can get in on the first or second imaginary induction. There will be people who've not made it but do deserve to be mentioned. Anyone not inducted shouldn't take it personally, readers shouldn't see this as a list of the only worthy subjects.


Kitty Bang Bang first performed for Enchanted Burlesque at the very last small venue show Angel LaVey and I ran before moving to the Old Rep Theatre. In between working for Enchanted Burlesque in 2009 and returning to co-headline in 2012 at Enchanted Burlesque Believe she had already hopped across the pond to perform at the Burlesque Hall of Fame Weekend 2011 in Las Vegas, without a doubt the most prestigious burlesque event in the world. She has also been named the Best Burlesque Act at the London Cabaret Awarrds 2014.
The very first Silk Stocking Striptease Show in 2008 had a cast but it needed a firm identity and that can only come from the compere. The very first compere to grace the stage of Enchanted Burlesque before it was Enchanted Burlesque was the exceptionally well dressed Dr Agamemnon When. Sadly due to a burgeoning diary and a plethora of future commitments Dr When became Dr When Will He Be Back? Sadly the answer was never. Dr When did provide the poster artwork for the second ever Silk Stocking Striptease Show which can be seen at (although in a slightly edited form by Angel LaVey to update the final cast). After the 1st ever Silk Stocking Striptease show Dr When was seen hosting several other burlesque events as well as hosting a series of enjoyable birthday parties which Angel and I have attended.
*Source of photograph:
As with last year I have included not just performers or people, I've included a building. The Old Rep Theatre is where the Enchanted Burlesque of today launched itself from being a fun pub show into a full blown theatre show. Without the support of the Old Rep Theatre manager and the rest of the theatre staff Enchanted Burlesque might still be a small pub show, or it may have ceased to exist completely. The Old Rep Theatre was built in 1913 and is today considered historically important as first purpose-built repertory theatre in Britain. In recent years the theatre has been faced with the threat of closure but now has a bright future ahead of it thanks to BOA taking over the lease. Exciting times are indeed ahead for this Grade II listed building and home of Enchanted Burlesque.

A local performer who cut her teeth working for Black Country Burlesque before spreading her wings and going further afield. She first worked with Enchanted Burlesque behind the curtain as an exceptional stage hand, and when she's not booked elsewhere she is always happy to make sure the magic happens behind the curtain at our shows. But Twinkel is more than just an exceptional stage hand, she's also an exceptional talent, one of Birmingham's stand out performers. Twice she's performed on our Old Rep Stage (once with a raging fever... the show must go on) and has even taken a supporting role dancing on stage in a Stitch onsie for Angel LaVey. She also gave it her all to entertain the 2nd Battalion Parachute Regiment alongside burlesque and variety powerhouses Romany Diva of Magic, Red Sarah and Mister Meredith. An Enchanted Burlesque world without Twinkel Pink would be a poorer world indeed.

Following in the expert steps of James Thorpe is ML Imagery. A dab hand with a camera who is so fast that we have a photograph of a Sally Rand Tribute act by Vendetta Vain that we dare never to put up, the joke that day being only a male photographer could get that image considering how fast the maneuver was. But joking aside ML Imagery has continued to be our photographer of choice since Enchanted Burlesque Dangerous. Another photographer you can put your trust in.
We are very lucky to have Billibee Creative ( recording every Enchanted Burlesque show going forwards. Considering Billibee Creative videographer David only has the option of using 1 camera to record each show he pulls off an amazing job (more cameras would mean taking out entire rows in the theatre), and then he puts the proverbial cherry on the cake with his opening sequences. Some of the videos get uploaded for Enchanted Burlesque fans to take a trip back down memory lane or to entice new fans who've only just heard of us, but some will forever remain for our eyes only. Angel and I make a huge effort to book and run each show so it's always a pleasure to finally see the shows we ran as part of a great video.
And that ends the inductions into my 2014 Hall of Fame.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

The Return Of The Buzz.

For me a huge change is the return of the buzz I receive after running an Enchanted Burlesque theatre show.

It's no secret that the buzz from running Enchanted Burlesque theatre shows died for me just before our 5th Anniversary show. To call the week leading up to the Enchanted Burlesque 5th Anniversary show emotionally draining would be an understatement. First I was forced to put down one of my beloved cats that I'd had from a kitten, and this was the first time I'd done that in my life. Then Angel became seriously ill and was forced from the show that she had been an instrumental part in running. Sure, the show was indeed incredible, but I was not in a happy place and was also up to my neck in running everything. I had my won dressing room, but the women I'd run every show with from word go was not in that dressing room with me and neither would she be backstage at any point during the night. I was surrounded by people I knew, but I never felt so alone that night.

I was told a long time back by a couple who also promoted shows that this day would come. It happened before, early on when the Silk Stocking Striptease Show featuring Scarlett Fever almost ground to a halt following a plethora of issues, but then as now adversity was overcome.

But my mood was soured. Rather than bouncing back 1 show later as I did with the Silk Stocking Striptease Show I was faced with the longest run ever without that all important buzz. Enchanted Burlesque was a job... just a job...

Enchanted Burlesque Red Hot and Enchanted Burlesque Tribute passed and I felt that I was almost grinding along. The situation was not helped by one audience member at Red Hot complaining about the ethnicity of one of the performers - racism reared it's ugly head and I had to seriously bite my lip rather than publicly rip a bigoted idiots head off. We also had the problem of having to re-book the headline act of Red Hot due to injury, but miraculously we did that in less than 2 1/2 hours. Thankfully the original headliner is now back on her feet and performing.

Enchanted Burlesque Tribute was also a nightmare from the booking front as the bill was booked and then re-booked as one problem after another plagued the line-up. And then after printing thousands of flyers and countless posters another performer cancelled their appearance due to an international residency they'd been offered and couldn't refuse.

Enchanted Burlesque Unwraped certainly improved my mood. For the first time in 4 shows we booked the show once and didn't then have to replace someone on the final poster. But at this point I was feeling exhausted and other external pressures had crushed my enthusiasm.

But this is Enchanted Burlesque. This is the hobby Angel and I created nearly 7 years ago that became a proper company. Neither Angel or I would just stop. You have to handle the bad times and find a way forwards. You can't have it all being happiness and sunshine.

Enchanted Burlesque Tryst was not happiness and sunshine. Show day was a nightmare, things that should have gone smoothly but didn't continued to eat away at my enthusiasm. Stress was the real killer that day, resulting in a brief but very tense and stormy exchange between Angel and I... not good or professional. We're both only human, but it shouldn't have happened and we both know that.

Somehow everything came together, and somehow Angel and I found a way to patch things up between us just before the final curtain. We ended the show with a warm embrace and a kiss just before our curtain calls.

But something magical happened. I started to get back that buzz, and I know the exact moment it happened.

I was backstage for Vicky Butterfly's Belle Epoque (La Lune), her giant mirrored moon. I allowed myself to watch part of the act from behind the stage curtains. I could see the theatre lights reflecting off the moon on the stage wings monitors. I could hear the noise of the moon rocking. I was transported back 1 week to when I'd seen Vicky's moon as an audience member at Joe Black's House of Burlesque. And then I heard the audience take the roof off of the theatre when the act finished. I have never heard the audience give such a huge response before.

The return of the buzz was slow. I had injured my foot during the show and the pain was increasing, the performers all left after the show (even Angel) so I was having the after show party with a few members of the audience instead of the usual performer chat. And then I started to hear their excitement about the show. I limped, very badly, home and went to bed in agony. The next morning I woke up to a Facebook that had exploded with excitement about Enchanted Burlesque Tryst. And then it dawned on me, my buzz was back.

One month later, my foot still in a lot of pain and now my knee on the other leg joining it due to an error in overcompensating, I ran Enchanted Burlesque Spellbound at Steeple Aston. I was in full on buzzing mode. Even a disaster backstage that was solved by creativity and everyone who could pulling together did not derail my enjoyment of the night. Even having to leave early rather than stay behind and chat with the audience couldn't bring me down.

The buzz is back. This is the big reward I get from running Enchanted Burlesque events.This is why I do what I do. And whether I'm in pain or not, whether that buzz has temporarily vanished or not, I have no plans to stop.

So thank you to everyone who has worked for Angel and I over what has been a tough year, thanks to Angel for not poisoning me (yet - but I wouldn't blame her if she did), thank you to the audiences who've stuck appreciated what we do and a huge thank you to Vicky Butterfly who I believe provided the spark I needed to re-ignite my buzz.


Friday, 31 January 2014

The Golden Burlyturd Award 2013 (Formerly The Worst Burlesque Performer Award)

Better late than never, although I admit my efforts recently to blog have been utter crap*, it's time to present my less than prestigious joke annual award.

But what's that I hear you say? Why has the name changed? Well, it's come to my realisation (about 5 years too late) that the title The Worst burlesque Performer Award is misleading as it's unlikely to ever be unofficially given to the actual worst burlesque performer of that year (even when I gave it jokingly to myself in 2010 - I had seen a performer that year who even made my meagre efforts seem legendary which was scary). So from now onwards I shall name the award...

...drum role please...



And as is the case for quite some time it is given every year to a person or persons (real or fictional) who I believe have done their utmost to crap on burlesque.

And this years winners wins hands down.

In 2013 the decision was taken to ban a 2014 burlesque show in a council owned venue because “many people feel it is demeaning to women, and raises issues of gender equality”.

Council worries about gender equality didn't seem to even get a look in when male strippers The Chippendales performed in a council owned venue before the ban... perhaps women screaming in excitement at beefcake men is not in the slightest bit demeaning to men, nor does it reduce them to objects.

The message from the council was simple:- women can be objectified and demeaned, therefore a burlesque show is not acceptable. Men cannot be demeaned or objectified, therefore...


Of course the problem with the argument in favour of the ban was lost instantly. The id(iot)eology behind the ban was to promote equality... by disadvantaging women... and saying it's okay for people to look at naked/nearly naked men but not okay to look at nearly naked women... and that the ban would enforce equality because only men should... be allowed... to use their bodies... to make money...

Oh wait. The ban promotes equality because burlesque is sexual in nature due to the striptease element. Now, as men are visual creatures they are going to objectify female burlesque performers. Hah, safer ground here I think. So if the burlesque show is banned men won't be objectify women anymore and the ills of the world will be cured. I can confirm this is true because not once have I ever heard a man say something like 'fantastic body' or 'I'd sleep with her' when... looking... at a woman... who's fully clothed...

Okay, here we go. Burlesque needs to be banned because if it is women will finally be treated as equal to men and have all the freedom of choices of men... just so long as those who perform burlesque... do as they're told... keep their clothes on... get a respectful job. So if you take away a woman's right to freedom of choice in the working environment... she finally gets equality and empowerment.


Perhaps to gain true equality we need to stop being humans and start being Discworld dwarfs.

There is no female style of clothing or female pronoun; there are no female names in Dwarfish. Both male Dwarfs and female Dwarfs naturally have beards and it has never occurred to any Dwarf to shave, and thus doing so is considered undwarfish and shameful. The gender of a Dwarf is only revealed to those concerned, during courtship, when the concerned parties are deemed mature enough to handle it without giggling (gender not being considered important by most dwarfs compared to things such as metallurgy and hydraulics). An interesting implication of this custom is that there is no gender discrimination when a Dwarf seeks a job position or tries to make a career or open a business**.
Or perhaps to try and achieve some form of equality we have to accept that freedom of choice is the only way forwards, and that when we ban one group from doing something based purely on their sex or some other category because others might find it offencive we are disempowering the banned and creating inequality by empowering the disapproving. Certainly banning a burlesque show at a venue demeans the performers and promoters as it cause a severe loss in the dignity of and respect for those who would be involved for the sake of those who would not be in attendance

For me personally a more realistic view is that the the concept of equality is great for winning political votes (so long as it's the right groups you're promoting equality for, so potentially not immigrants, meat eaters, those on benefits, bankers, the royal family, Muslims, union bosses, the rich, teenagers, countryside dwellers, burlesque performers or [INSERT YOUR CHOICE HERE]). And that's why I don't have much faith in politicians who talk about equality.

So this years Golden Burlyturd goes to Councillor Susan Press (LAB)*** and her equally repressive cronies on the Hebden Bridge Picture House Committee for attempting to ban the Hebden Bridge Burlesque Festival from using the Picture House. Well done chumps, your attempts to win votes from the more conservative (oh the irony) thinking members of your constituency have embarrassed you and been exposed as a way to only promote your versions of equality that aren't equal in any way.

And here's a lovely story about Councillor Press from 2009 -

And here's a picture of Councillor Susan Press.


Ms Press is a freelance journalist, so be careful my fellow burlesquers about leaving any messages on your voice mail. I am of course joking... I hope. I'll skip the imaginary presentation of the golden turd .jpg, politicians have a habit of asking the police to use unethical strong arm tactics against those who point out their flaws and failings. Apparently it's unjustifiable to point out a politician is wrong but completely justified to tell two burlesque promoters they're wrong.

In the end the Hebden Bridge Burlesque Festival's application to use the Picture House was approved and the ban reversed after being referred back to full council. But a special mention must be given to Councillor James Baker (LibDem)++ for fighting the corner of the burlesque festival and respecting individuals rights to go or not go to the event.

You can read Cllr Press and her supporters views at the Hebden Bridge Forum whilst marvelling at how quickly they lose the argument.

Finally to the two ladies behind the Hebdem Bridge Burlesque Festival I wish you a rocking 2014 festival, and well done for. May your event give the local economy a financial boost and  return for many years to come.

 * Groan.


*** LAB stands for Labour, a left wing political party in the UK. It's not an abbreviation for Labia you mucky pup.


++LibDem stands for Liberal Democrat, another political party in the UK that's centrist, neither left or right wing.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

2013 Year in Review

This rather amusing image of Mister Meredith by photographer Olivia van der Will sum up my feelings about 2013. So here we go, a bit later than normal.

1. Performers, maids, promoters etc - what has been you favourite night you performed at/promoted/organised/maided/compered/helped out with this year?

To be honest 2013 has been a challenging year. I've been involved in many nights that have been great but also not so great. On balance I think that Enchanted Burlesque Unwrapped takes the crown as it was the first 2013 show that didn't require re-booking.

2. Without naming names - tell us about the worst show you were involved in/watched this year (if there was one!)

Involved in: one of the Enchanted Burlesque shows in 2013 was booked and re-booked several times as a multitude of problems beyond Angel and my control manifested. In the end the show was booked to my and Angel's satisfaction BUT we'd failed to observe our own rules, never book a show to please yourself. All the acts on the stage deserved their bookings, but maybe not all together on the one night. That is my fault, I have accept responsibility for the show and it's perceived shortcomings. Thankfully we bounced back at the very next show with incredible feedback.

Watching: it was a show that just didn't live up to expectations. Considering the talent on the bill and what they're capable of I suspect the promoter miss-booked the show so that the cast couldn't play to their strengths. There was a lot of audience grumbling that night, especially considering the premium price of tickets.

3. What was/is your first and last gig of 2013 (watching or performing)?

First gig watching: Missy Malone & Friends - that resulted in Kitty Ribbons getting a spot on Enchanted Burlesque Unwrapped.

Last gig watching: Très Très Cabaret

First gig promoting: Enchanted Burlesque 5th Anniversary.

Last gig promoting: Enchanted Burlesque Unwrapped

4. Who were your favourite performers to watch this year?

 Catherine D'Lish and Abigail Collins.

5. What was the best act you saw this year (and who did it)?

Catherine D'Lish (no idea of the name of the act but it was at the Candy Box and involved some guy from the audience).


Also I sneaked out into the Old Rep Theatre stalls to watch the world debut of Miss Carrie-Ann's Opium Den Dita Von Teese tribute act at Enchanted Burlesque Tribute.

6. What was the best costume you saw this year (and who did it belong to)?

Forget costume, try entire set. Miss Carrie-Ann the Tribute to Dita Von Teese and the Opium Den set.

7. What was the worst thing about being a burlesque fan/performer this year?

As a promoter nothing sucks more than performers being forced out of performing at a show. Shockingly 3 out of the 4 theatre shows Angel and I ran had to have acts re-booked because performers could no longer appear on the bill after all the advertising was printed and distributed. And as mentioned earlier one show was a nightmare, requiring re-booking even before the artwork was released. And then to top it off I got to the Candy Box Final Meltdown only to find out two of the feature acts had been forced off the bill by an over-zealous bunch of government officials.

8. Who have you met and made friends with this year though burlesque?

Finally got to know local compere Jacques Bruxelles a lot better. Photographer Olivia van der Will is a sweetie and talented with a camera. It was also the year that Angel and I finally got to meet and work with Tom Hyland and the rest of the Electric Swing Circus.

9. What have you achieved/been proud of this year?

Not allowing Enchanted Burlesque 5th Anniversary to degenerate into a disaster after Angel was taken so seriously ill that her role in the show was relegated to sitting in the audience (and even that was difficult for her). The show was also just after I'd had to put one of my cats down, so despite the happy feelings from everyone involved and watching I just couldn't get in the mood for the show. Despite her best efforts Angel was unable to make a satisfactory recovery in time for the show even just to sing the opening song so with less than 48 hours until showtime we asked Heather Drag to step in and sing the lounge version 'Down With The Sickness' whilst Mister Meredith would cover the variety slot.

10. What were your Burly related goals this year, did you achieve them?

Last year my burlesque related goal was a long term plan that could not be achieved in just one year. The fact that Enchanted Burlesque is still running means that I've partially achieved that goal.

11. Burlesque in the media in 2013... any thoughts?

Going by the local press burlesque had a great year in Birmingham. Angel LaVey had a mostly accurate article written about herself and Enchanted Burlesque at the beginning of the year which featured in the Birmingham Mail and the Metro whilst local compere Jacques Bruxelles also receive some positive coverage. Finally to cap off the year the Candy Box had a lovely article about how the promoters got into burlesque published before their last ever show.

12. Lessons of 2013

What people say and what they actually do are two separate things.Sometimes it's better to leave people wanting rather than to indulge them.This is certainly true after we doubled the amount of theatre shows in Birmingham following audience requests only for our audience numbers to reduce. In short, Enchanted Burlesque stopped being a special event.

13. What are your Burly related goals for 2014?

After a tough 2013 Angel and I plan to regain the special feeling for our theatre shows. In 2014 Birmingham burlesque lovers will only get two chances to watch an Enchanted Burlesque theatre show, and if they miss it they will be waiting a long time for the next one. For starters keep 15th February 2014 free Enchanted Burlesque Tryst at the Old Rep Theatre.

We're also delighted to be back at Steeple Aston for another show (once every two years). We also have another idea for 2014 but as it's in the concept stage it's far to early to treat it as anything more than a good idea.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Promoting Shows For Pessimists - Part 4 (or the last nail in the coffin)

It's show day, and unless you're greeted to something like this when you get to the venue you may just be able to overcome all your anxiety and pessimism to pull it off. You can run the event no matter what so long as you have a venue that's not been closed, flooded, burnt to the ground or had it's electrical system fried (or numerous other things that will screw the pooch in terms of you running your burlesque show).

So, you're in the venue. Time to set up. Setting up can be simple - you direct the performers to where they can get changed, tell the compere whose on the bill, give the music to whomever is running it, set up a table to charge people for watching the show and make sure everyone knows what time the show kicks off.

Or it can be overwhelmingly complex. This is if you've decided to leave nothing to chance so created a complex flow chart that covers every eventually including what to do if performers don't turn up, if the sound tech quits, if the compere gets drunk or if the EDL hold a demo in your venue and then get kettled by the local police force whilst the stage hand/maid takes over the show to campaign for Save The Whale.

Somewhere in between is probably better, but more towards the simple side unless you also have OCD.

The next worry you have is an empty dressing room because the talent have all decided not to turn up. This is a potential nightmare for any promoter and I'll be honest with you it can be a real problem. If you've overbooked the bill then losing 1 or 2 performers is not a problem, even losing the maid or compere isn't too problematic as there's bound to be a performer who'll give compereing a bash as a last resort or a couple who'll pick up clothes for each other (or even just resort to picking up their own clothes which whilst not ideal is better than nothing). At one show I saw the compere have to set up and clear the stage which wasn't ideal but it was better than nothing. But if it's a paper thin bill then you need a back-up plan, so now is the time for urgent Facebook postings in the burlesque jobs groups, calling that completely green newbie whose desperate for a gig or throwing a feather boa and pair of gloves at your friend/sister/mother/granny and telling them to do it for the show.

One way to avoid being let down horribly by transport issues is to book local talent, another is to avoid booking performers from the same city (if you've got all your performers coming from London and the trains are on strike whilst the motorway has a pile up then you're screwed).

The other thing to be wary of is booking just a troupe. They might split up and refuse to work together, they may travel together and the car breaks down, they might dump you as a troupe for a better paid gig (unless you've got deep pockets). Obviously that's not true of most troupes, but I'm writing for pessimists so expect the worst to happen if you put all your eggs in the same basket.

As it stands you're dad's the replacement compere (he pretends to be a DJ at embarrassing family get togethers but it will have to do. He also thinks he's a comedian because he laughs at his own jokes.). You're younger brother Paul is the stage hand (you're hoping he finally reveals his laddish behaviour is a cover for the fact he's gay otherwise he may end up arrested and on the sex offenders register by the end of the night), you sister, mother and the weird stalker newbie who thinks you're some major burlesque promoter are all in the ladies toilets getting ready to perform burlesque (by downing multiple shorts at an alarming rate). The pub landlord has already told you it's going to be full tonight (because he's letting all his friends and regulars into the show for free but still charging you full room hire). The sound tech's ready you hope (he's either ignoring everyone or playing with his I-phone). It's 7:30 pm, the doors open and now's the time for the audience to arrive...

Okay, it's 8 pm and with half an hour to go before show time you had 3 people come through the door.

It's now 9 pm. You've pushed back the start to 9:15 pm and slashed the price of tickets from £8 to £5. maybe you shouldn't have posted on Facebook about the show being a potential disaster because you don't know what you're doing and you're thinking of cancelling it.

It's 9:30 pm. You've just been told it's torrential rain outside. You currently have 10 people in the venue, 7 of which have paid £3 to get in and have just told the initial 3 people how much of a discount they got. You've already counted out £15 to give back to those initial 3 and you hope they're not on their mobiles tweeting furiously about how you stiffed them.

It's 9:45 pm. The sound tech has told you he clocks off at 11:00 pm irrespective of whether 'he strippers have got their tits out or not mate'. The sound tech's girlfriend is in the both with him. She keeps looking at you like you're some kind of monster. You signal to your dad and brother to get the show on the road.

It's 9:50 pm. The sound tech has finished arguing with his girlfriend about whether or not he will be ogling the strippers. Finally the compere's microphone has been turned on. In the 5 minutes between starting the show and getting the microphone on your dad has been standing on the stage looking stupid inbetween shouting at you to 'fucking sort it out'.

It's 10 pm and your dad is still waffling on the microphone. You now realise that he's drunk and thinks he's running a strip show for a bunch of horny blokes. Your dad has also told a series of offencive and sexist jokes that aren't funny. So far the couple who came in first have left, everyone else is talking over him.

It's 10:05 pm and the first act is on the stage. It's your sister wandering around on the stage whilst also very drunk. There's a random Christina Aguilera track playing but your sister is possibly dancing to something else in her head and even then she's hopelessly out of time. The landlords mates have now all turned up (getting in for free as agreed by the landlord and no-one else). The comments you hear about your sister from the landlords mates will need industrial bleach to remove from your memory.

1t's 10:15 pm. After an excruciating introduction by your dad that involves him talking about his sex life with your mum she finally takes to the stage for her act. It's to the same Christina Aguilera track which may be down to the sound tech who's now busy talking loudly with one of the landlords free list.

It's 10:19 pm. You can hear your mum demanding that the sound tech restarts the song as she's messed up her act and wants to start again from the beginning. The track ends and kicks into the next song. Eventually the sound tech turns it off midway through. You can hear booing from the audience as your mum rips into them for not cheering her despite the fact that she never finished her act and spent ages shouting at the sound tech.

It's 10:25 pm. Your dad calls an end to the 1st half after punching the bloke who called your mum's act shit. At this point one of the original acts you booked finally arrives after a nightmare journey. She dashes back stage (to the ladies) and gets ready for her performance. She'll headline the show, if you get that far.

It's 10:40 pm. The show was supposed to be over but the 2nd half has only just begun... if you can find your dad and get the show started. The stage lights are on but no-one's on it. You abandon the door and find him out the back chatting with your brother.

It's 10:45 pm. Your dad is back on stage. You've asked him to hurry up and announce the newbie. He does, her music kicks in but she never arrives. After a couple of minutes your dad walks back on stage and tells everyone that she was so nervous she got horribly drunk and is now throwing up in the ladies loo. He then shows everyone a picture of her throwing up on your brothers mobile phone. The image has been tweeted and the your shows twitter account tagged in it.

It's 10:50 pm. The headliner and actual burlesque performer has taken to the stage. Your dad forgets her name during her intro but did call her 'the one my son Paul said has the best arse'. The sound tech fucks up cueing the music but gets it right eventually. The performer, faced with a now hostile and disinterested audience gives it her all and by the end of the act she gets a few whoops and claps.

10:56 pm. Your dad takes to the stage to close the show. He starts by calling the headliner 'the girl with the great arse' before saying 'I bet you'd like to shag that, I would'. You've come to the stage area to announce the next show date that the landlord has bullied you into booking (and paying the hire fee for). The headliner is looking at you like 'this is the worst show I've ever worked, will I get paid or just be lucky to leave alive'. Your brother is now copping off with the drunk newbie in a corner, he's not gay it seems (you hope she sucked on a mint first at least). Your mum and sister are talking loudly about how fat the headliner is despite them both being larger. Finally you get to take the stage and announce the next show when the sound tech kills the power early and heads to the bar...

And then you wake up on the morning of show day in a cold sweat. It was all a nightmare. Surely tonight won't be that bad. you get up, feeling a little shaken but knowing it can't be that bad. You turn on your mobile and get an e-mail from your headliner...

And that ends my 4 part blog on promoting burleque shows for promoters who are also pessimists.