Hang on a second, this can't be right.
Oh for fuck's sake!
I've just experienced my first rebound
I didn't just date someone completely inappropriate for me or end up in bed with someone having sex that'll I'll regret for the rest of my life.
This is worse! Worse because I was aware of avoiding the other two until my brain and emotions are in the right place to make a sensible decision (or at least make a bad decision but not for the wrong reasons).
I've rebounded from one business venture to another.
What could be wrong with someone who seems as equally driven as I am to run high quality events at a budget that won't crucify either of us. Well, that's fine... if you know the person very well. BUT if you don't really know the person well, start making plans, booking events and performers and then find something about them that you feel is liable to effect the business relationship in a way that could be disruptive or negative to that partnership (even if it would be nothing to worry about to another person/business partner) then you're in REBOUND CITY!
It's true. I hate not having Enchanted Burlesque to be my next goal, to be the fulfilling target in my life. I have a need to do something with my life that's fulfilling, but I've ignored my own rules because my current situation is a lovely clean room with fours walls, a freeview television, 1 book, a smart phone and a 3DS with 3 video games... all my distractions (like a real internet ready laptop, Blu rays, satelitte TV and over 100 books) aren't in my possesion and may well not be for several months at least (if ever) unless I go out and spend money I don't need to spend if I want my own flat.
I'm an idiot. I've said that to myself a lot recently. I'm really saying that to myself right now.
I hate nothing. I loathe the fact that my life is go to work, go home, eat, sleep. That's not living. My job doesn't fulfill me, it pays my bills. Eating and sleeping are a neccessity whilst my home is a house share with virtual starngers who are not like me.
With the excitement of my world it was inevitable that I'd gravitate towards an equally driven person, but would I have the brains to heed my own advice or would I plunge in head first without anything remotely like due diligence.
It's time to be okay with nothing.
This is my reward for failing as a husband and for failing to be deceitful. I could have been dysfunctionally evil, secretly planning my exit and then taking everything I needed instead of putting everything on the line and loosing because nothing changes.
This is my reward for ignoring my own advice, throwing myself into an exciting project and then slamming the breaks on beacsue I didn't ask the right questions. I could have been dysfunctionally evil and used not really working situation to get myself ahead selfishly but that's also not me.
I've already said I don't throw myself into relationships or use 1 night stands to get over bad break ups. If I was dysfunctionally evil I'd have used what reputation I do have left to get my physical or emotional needs met.
As someone helpfully pointed out (hah!) - you make your bed, you lie in it.
So the task for now is not to become dysfunctionally evil. My task is to come to terms with what I do have. I have a roof over my head. I have access to a bath, a shower, hot and cold running water. I have a bed that's comfortable.I have a fridge and a freezer. I have a cooker and a microwave. I have the internet. I have a job. I have a book. I have a 3DS with 3 games. I have a smart phone and access to the internet. I have a TV with Freeview and occasional access o a TV with Virgin (at least for no). I even have some freedom. Hell, I even have a kettle. I have the ability to exist.
I don't have someone who makes me feel like I once did. I don't have a burlesque show that gives me something to focus on. I don't have a business partner who matches my drive and is compatiable with me. These elements are my drives, my goals, my dreams and my reason to keep existing.
I just have me. This is my reality.