Don't Blame The Performers (sort of).

NOTE: I found this lovely picture at http://deviblue.deviantart.com/art/Doctor-Poo-and-the-Turdis-160941190 whilst looking for an image of a performing turd for the blog.

SECOND NOTE: This blog will probably offend some people, especially those who don't read it all the way through and believe I'm having a go at newbies. Those readers have automatically been awarded the title of shittest blog readers. I've had to put this second note in the blog because, quite frankly, some people are just stupid.

Recently I noticed a bit of a commotion going on at Facebook over the following on-line article.

The Shittest Burlesque I’ve Seen

As you'd expect if you're aware of the Team Nice* faction that claims to be the moral compass of all things burlesque any article that attacks the performance skills of burlesque performers is about as welcome as a Muslim at an EDL march. Of course the moral compass that is Team Nice are just as bad as the people they attack, but they only attack performers who aren't part of Team Nice so that's okay then! It's an in-group/out-group thing just like the Muslim and the EDL example. For those more interested in this kind of thing please read the article on Social Identity Theory at http://www.simplypsychology.org/social-identity-theory.html and then come back here that bit more enlightened.

Sorry, I got a bit distracted. Anyway, so This Is Cabaret journalist Alita O'Ginn went to one too many burlesque shows she didn't enjoy (I speculate) and decided to put her feelings to keyboard, risking the wrath of the entire burlesque scene, because everyone is so nice and accepting in burlesque... only that didn't happen. The burlesque circuit split into two factions, Team Nice did their usual shtick whilst Team Realistic* came out in support of the article. And who are the people who make up at least part of Team Realistic, some of the big hitters in the burlesque circuit and even some professional photographers who shoot shows.

OUCH!

But what about the wonderful world where everyone is supportive and nice, and the only people who are mean are the unprofessional people who have nothing to offer burlesque and should just get back under their rock. But what about Team Nice's version of burlesque where everything is wonderful and, and, blub blub blub....

Sorry Team Nice, I've been saying it for years, the burlesque scene isn't just divided into your nice easy boxes of those worthwhile people who agree with you and the horrible people who don't agree with you and are therefore talentless and in need of being destroyed by any means available.

There really are some utterly shit performers out there. There, I've said it, feel free to throw a few bricks at me, post about how nasty I am on a forum or social networking website and then tell people never to support Enchanted Burlesque because I'm a horrible person. Perhaps you could ask other promoters to try and run me out of business or try telling performers I've booked not to work for me because being associated with me will destroy their careers. You can do all that and it still won't change the fact that there are performers out there who are utterly shit, you'll just get to feel like you've done your bit for Team Nice, now be a good little team member and go shine up your Good Guy badge so you can display it proudly to everyone else who believes what you believe.

Meanwhile Team Realistic will continue to accept booking from me and audiences will continue to attend my shows so long as I continue to put on compelling events starring talented performers. Sorry shitty performers, I'm not going to book you, go ask Team Nice for a booking.

But the real big question is whose to blame for shitty burlesque performers and the frustration that lead to the writing of the controversial article? The shit performers, from the most obvious perspective yes because at the end of the day a bad performance is a bad performance. Is it the fault of shitty burlesque teachers, well it could be that fact, but even the best burlesque teachers can't polish a turd of a performer and make them shine whilst I've known some performers who've been taught by terrible teachers but still developed themselves to the extent that they've left their shitty teachers behind in a cloud of dust.

No, there are two groups that I believe are firmly responsible for shitty burlesque.

GUILTY PARTY NUMBER ONE: TEAM NICE

If you run around telling people how great they are irrespective of how genuinely great they are then you are responsible for creating a myth, and it's a myth that's easy to believe because as humans we want to have worth. Without worth our lives can lack a sense of meaning. If you tell a shit burlesque performer that they're brilliant you give them a false sense of worth, then if enough people repeat the same thing that performer may be incapable of believing anything else. In some cases there have been fragile individuals who've used burlesque as a way to deal with their own personal issues, and whilst it's certainly nice to offer them support as they work out those issues by doing burlesque there has to come a point when they have to realise that their personal issues can really only be conquered by themselves

Let me explain how Team Nice fucks up burlesque based on my own personal experience from a few years back. I had a friend who completely lacked any form of self worth so they latched onto anyone who'd give them attention. In some cases that latching on was stifling and intrusive so the person who initially gave positive attention then vanished as quickly as possible, reinforcing my friends self belief that they were worthless. When I first encountered this friend, who I shall call Sam, I was almost smothered. I gave one nice compliment based on their rather cool leather jacket and the next thing you know I feel like I'm surgically attached to Sam, he wouldn't give me any breathing space. I had three choices, I could run like Hell, I could pander to Sam because that's the nice thing to do or I could be friendly with Sam but also make him work harder than he was working me. I chose option three.

When Sam was fixing up the vintage car he brought and had a bad day he'd be telling his other friends and I, 'I'm useless at this, I can't do it, I should give up.'

His other friends pandered to him, they told him he could do it and he'd argue back that he couldn't. It was like watching a small child have a strop whilst an overly attentive mother mollycoddled it. Sam didn't get anywhere with his vintage car but he had people telling him he was brilliant and he could do it. Sam had worth he hadn't earned but he felt was real because other people believed in him. Then if anyone did criticise him his other friends would defend him even if the criticism was fair. Sam developed an unrealistic opinion of himself, a dual issue of feeling worthy because of what he was told but still needing that continued external validation.

Sam tried the same thing with me, so I told him if he really believed he couldn't do it then he should give up, maybe sell the car and recover some of the money he'd spent. Then I told him that it was ultimately his choice to either keep trying to do up the car or give in, I wasn't responsible for his decisions, he was. Sam tried to milk some sympathy from me because that was his mental process (conscious or unconscious I'll never know) and every time rather than take responsibility for how he should feel I bounced it back to him. If Sam didn't feel like going out because no-one wanted to spend time with him then that was his choice, I already had my plans so it was up to him if he joined me for a pint or not. You name it, Sam tried it to get my validation for it and always I pushed it back to him. In the end something changed with Sam. He wasn't perfect, he still had his moments of no self worth, but he also learnt to value himself and what he could do. Sam became less of a social parasite and more a person I enjoyed spending time with. And then life changed, he moved to the South West for a job he really wanted, I moved to the Midlands for love and we lost touch.

I supported Sam to better himself when he was struggling, then I watched as Sam better himself. If I'd over-supported him he'd have always been a  man with no self worth who was deluded into a false sense of worth. The Team Nice approach to supporting burlesque is to over-support, so they end up validating shit burlesque performers who then have no need to try and improve themselves because they've already been told how damned good they are!

By the way, Team Nice aren't just people in the burlesque scene. They're family, friends and loved ones, people who genuinely care about the poor shit burlesque performer but do it in such a way that gets them in the situation you see on the X Factor when a hopeful singer leaves the audition in tears because Simon Cowell has told them they couldn't hold a note if it was a solid object places in front of them.

Overly supportive Team Nice people please stop, you're creating a fantasy and you're stopping shitty performers from becoming potentially amazing performers.

And now onto number 2, and I hope it's a shocker.

GUILTY PARTY NUMBER TWO: ME

No, wait a second....

GUILTY PARTY NUMBER TWO: PROMOTERS

A burlesque performer might be shitty, but it's promoters who book the shows and puts the shit performer on stage to bore the arse off of people like Ms. O'Ginn. If promoters cared more about what they put on stage during the show rather than what they put in their pocket at the end of the night then shitty burlesque performers would be quickly marginalised and either forced to stop being so shitty or slum it on the Team Nice run shows.

Yep, the people who are after your hard earned cash are the biggest problem in creating shitty burlesque. If you've seen a forum or social networking post in which a promoter is looking for a burlesque performer and the main criteria is they have to be local and willing to work for peanuts rather than be genuinely entertaining then you can spot a potential creator of shitty burlesque. Obviously it's not a dead cert that the show will be shitty, the promoter might get lucky and book a decent new performer who just hasn't got the clout and exposure to demand a decent fee.

To me the worst promoters for validating shitty burlesque performers are the ones who constantly have no budget to pay anyone but like to talk about 'great exposure'. Unless the promoter can line you up for an interview BEFORE show day with the media peeps who'll potentially be at the event then the words 'great exposure' might as well be 'you'll get to be seen by the audience'. Great exposure doesn't pay for your costumes, it doesn't enable you to quit your day job and become a full time performer and it won't get you the headline spot on the Enchanted Burlesque theatre stage. Working for 'great exposure' will mean the promoter doesn't have to pay you anything, not even your bus fare home, whilst pocketing every penny from the show. Of all the burlesque performers I've met who've worked for 'great exposure' only 1 benefited from it, and the paid booking she would have got she had to turn down because she was out of the country on that date.

So when the promoter runs out of decent burlesque performers to get for 'great exposure' they'll take anyone, and the performers who'll work for free forever are the shitty performers. And those shitty performers will stay shitty because the smart 'great exposure' promoter will tell them how great they are even if their act was the same as me taking a dump on the stage. The 'great exposure' promoter has no use for the development of shitty burlesque performers into decent performers, because then they'll finally find places that will pay them something, and them the 'great exposure' promoter will have to pay them something as well or look for the next shitty performer.

Don't confuse 'great exposure' promoters with promoters who offer showcases spots, these are the promoters who give new performers a chance to get on stage for the first time, be photographed performing and have a place to start learning on the job. Everyone has to start somewhere and some promoters will reserve a bit of space at the bottom of the bill for those who need it. Of course if they're still constantly booking you in those unpaid showcase spots six months later they are probably taking you for a ride.

Joining the 'great exposure' promoter is the shitty burlesque performer promoter, rather than try and line their pockets they book their mates instead to work shows, and their mates will be of an equal level to themselves. At least these promoters aren't trying to make a living off of taking advantage of shitty burlesque performers, but they of such a similar level that an element of Team Nice will inevitably hamper real development as a performer. If you're aware that you're strictly amature and think that your probably a bit of a shitty burlesque performer but your mate the burlesque performer who runs burlesque shows you work regularly for tells you otherwise then guess what trap you might have unwittingly stumbled into. Branch out and don't be afraid, real friends won't mind if you move on, but a shitty burlesque promoter friend will hate you because they have to find someone else to collude with and/or exploit.

Bad promoters, promoters with no realistic perspective of what makes a burlesque show genuinely entertaining or promoters that are your Team Nice mates have made shitty burlesque mainstream. If I'd gone to a shitty burlesque show featuring shitty burlesque acts and organised by a shitty burlesque promoter I'd have turned down a chance to watch the Candy Box and missed out on a moment that has changed my life and brought me several years of entertainment and joy.

Shitty burlesque will never go away whilst burlesque is still back in fashion, and that means shitty burlesque performers will still exist and walk the stages of pubs and clubs up and down the country. But being a shitty burlesque performer is a choice. Unless you have absolutely no performance ability whatsoever and no ability to learn and change then you have the ability not be a shitty burlesque performer. I applaud anyone smart enough and brave enough to realise and admit that they've been a shitty burlesque performer, and then make a conscious decision to change for the better.

Being a burlesque performer is a choice, being a good burlesque performer is a job. Unless you're gifted in performance you're going to have to work at it. No x hours burlesque workshop or course will make you the next Dirty Martini, it won't even make you the next Angel LaVey. Many burlesque workshops are just a few hours where you'll learn some stock moves, maybe a generic routine and if you're lucky where you'll be challenged to think for yourself and experiment with what you've been taught whilst your workshop leader explains where you may be going wrong as you try that initial bit of creativity. Some burlesque performers have received 1 to 1 training with some heavy hitters like Jo King, but even then those performers have to take what they've been taught, experiment with it and develop it. Unless you've got your own personal trainer and choreographer you're going to have to experiment with what you've learnt and develop on your own or with a few friends, just make sure those friends aren't in Team Nice.

I believe what Alita O'Ginn really means by shitty burlesque and shitty burlesque performers are those who don't make any effort, and in those cases I agree with her whole heartedly Being brand new to the scene as a performer should not automatically brand you as shitty burlesque, but being naturally gifted from day one is pot luck, everyone else will have to work hard at being better. Those who refuse to develop and believe the rudimentary skills they have are enough to make themselves a burlesque star really are deserving of the title shitty burlesque performer.

So if you want to forge a faux career as a shitty burlesque performer because that's what you think audiences want then that's up to you. If you want to go down that root and believe you should still be given a paid spot on the Enchanted Burlesque theatre stage (or any other paying stage for that matter) then please forward your CV, video links and Team Nice testimonials to the place below.

*Team Nice not in anyway associated with any real persons or groups who call themselves Team Nice and are not guilty of the crimes against burlesque as I have described. Of course if you want to have a hissy fit over the use of the name that's your choice, unless of course you are a member of a Team Nice that is guilty of creating shitty burlesque in which case I'm delighted you're upset, people have paid good money to watch your creations and they probably didn't get a refund, although they may have gone and told others how shit burlesque is and cost other better burlesque performers paid work. 

What A Great Evening'

March the 10th, 2012, will go down as the night when I felt like I was facing the beast above rather than a much more modest syetm for controlling the sound.

The 10th of March, 2012, was the date of Enchanted Burlesque and Steeple Aston present Champagne Supernova. The night was a fusion of burlesque, magic, singing, a live band and a delicious 2 course meal. It was also my first encounter with the Steeple Aston Village Hall's new sound and lighting system. To set the record straight, I'm not trained or experienced in sound and lighting systems, if you come to one of the Enchanted Burlesque theatre shows you'll see a control booth full of technicians that look nothing like me There's a good reason why - I've blown up two computers and screwed up at least 3 printers in my life so far. Technology and I don't get on. That changed on the 10th March 2012.

The original plan was for an arrival time at the Steeple Aston Village Hall for 5 pm, giving me two and a half hours to get everything sorted. Due to an accdent on the motorway I arrived at the venue over an hour late. The band playing at the venue had agreed to set up and sound check from around 6 pm. What followed was a serious bit of chaos as the band and I had to share a sound and lighting engineer for a drastically reduced time, so short a time that in the end the decision was made that I'd run the light and sound controls for the burlesque part of the night.



The logic behind me running the consoles were simple. It was going to take longer for me to drill the tech on when and how to to hit play, raise lights and the what not than it was for him to show me the relevant buttons to raise and lower lights or control the volumes of microphones and speakers. Initially I was to be given a walkie talkie to relay the info to the tech but we quickly realised that me barking orders at him to swap discs and change lights was going to make it even more complicated. So come 8 pm I was in the projector room with a bunch of equipment I'd had about 5 minutes training on.



As luck would have it we had very little go wrong. The major fault of the night was Angel LaVey's first song. Because of the positioning of the speakers I could hear her track pumping out clearly, but she could not and the monitor she'd been given to use had decided to kick out right on que! About 10 seconds into the track Angel informed me that she couldn't hear a thing. A quick restart with the volume twice as high as when she sound checked and everything was back to normal. I've now learnt the hard way that the sound in the Steeple Aston Village Hall changes drastically when it's full. The other issue was with a lapel mic for magician Al Grant, however he was able to project his voice around the hall easily whilst we sorted out the sound issues.

So, small technical glitches aside how did the audience react?

Performers live for audiences like those in attendance at the packed out, sold out Steeple Aston Village Hall. Enchanted Burlesque had been away from Steeple Aston for 2 years. In those 2 years the requests for the return of Enchanted Burlesque had grown and grown until the organisers had no choice but to bring us back.

During the performances the audience whooped and cheered as Satin Di Monte, Twinkel Pink and Geeta Von Tease slowly performed burlesque routines that ranged from pure glamour to madcap humour. The audience looked on mesmerised as Satine and her dance partner, Animus, performed a double act that had many believeing they weren't just two professional dancers creating an illusion of intimacy. When Al Grant performed for those in attendance he had them cheering and clappping as he made magic and mentalism look real rather than just very cunning tricks, he even had a very attentive female fan who wanted him to perform boylesque and was more than willing to try and give him a hand disrobbing much to the merriment of others in attendance. Al just about managed to keep his clothes on. Finally Angel LaVey had the audience clapping or singing along with her through a variety of numbers.

I think I'll leave the last words opn the show to our main contact at Steeple Aston. Here are some choice edits:

'What a great evening!!! All comments first class... the general consesnus is that you have to come back.'

With an audience like the people in Steeple Aston how could Enchanted Burlesque refuse.

Keep watching http://www.enchantedburlesque.com for all updates on future Enchanted Burlesquie events.

Girls on Film

In my last blog I gave Hollywood a bit of a bashing for their poorly titled musical aimed at teenage girls into the X-Factor, Pop Idol and Heat magazine. Now it's time to set the record straight by suggesting a few movies that portray burlesque in a way that doesn't make you feel like someone tried to shamelessly cash in. After I've listed the movies I've seen that I recommend I'll bring up a few films I've yet to see but would still like to followed by some films that may be of interest to those into burlesque.

Films I View as 'Must See'

BURLESQUE UNDRESSED

Part documentary, part burlesque show, this is an excellent look into the work of Immodesty Blaize. Those who don't enjoy documentaries should struggle through the talking parts just for the high level top quality burlesque routines.

ON TOUR

At the same time as the release of Hollywood's Burlesque movie came a French/USA movie by the name of Tournee, released in the UK as On Tour. Whilst Burlesque lets loose with mega budget sets and no heart On Tour is the polar opposite. A group of American burlesque performers tour France with a promoter who seems to be going off the rails a bit. The film stars actual burlesque performers rather than pop icons, and those real burlesque stars perform burlesque routines throughout the movie (although sadly it's mostly snippets). On Tour also features plenty of back stage moments which reminds me a little of the backstage atmosphere at Enchanted Burlesque. Because of subtitles (the film is French spoken in sections) the film may put a few people off, but if you love burlesque you should check it out just to see Kitten on the Keys, Dirty Martini, Julie Atlas Muz and Mimi Le Meaux. One final warning, you'll see more of some of the ladies than you would at a burlesque show during a couple of scenes backstage.

GYPSY

The 1962 musical based on the early life of Gypsy Rose Lee. Despite being about a burlesque star it's exceptionally tame and is far more a vaudeville movie than a burlesque one, although this may be more to do with the era the movie came from. The scene and musical number backstage with Gypsy and the burlesque dancers is comedy gold.

MOULIN ROUGE!

The 2001 musical (there are other films with this name). Set in an early 20th Century cabaret that's like something out of a fantasy world. Great set pieces, fantastic routines and just a bloody incredible movie. Was everything the movie Burlesque failed to be.

CABARET

Well worth watching for the cabaret scenes alone. A film that has been listed by many performers as an inspiration to them and it's easy to see why when you watch it. I am probably committing some henious crime when I say that I love the cabaret scenes but I didn't enjoy the main story arc and disliked the Sally Bowles character offstage intensely. 

My Shame 'Films I've Yet to See'

THE NIGHT THEY RAIDED MINSKY'S

A comedy based on an Amish woman who ends up performing at Minsky's burlesque show. As well as the police trying to close down the show there's also the woman's father to deal with. The film was on television recently and, to my shame, I failed to watch it. I could watch it on YouTube but I dislike watching films on a computer screen.

DIRTY MARTINI AND THE NEW BURLESQUE

Another burlesque documentary, and one that I feel I could be shot for not yet having seen. If the UK has Burlesque Undressed then the USA has Dirty Martini and the New Burlesque. To my knowledge the film has never been officially released in the UK although you can get copies of it from Amazon.

Movies That I Feel May Appeal To Burlesque Fans

SHORTBUS

A very sexually explicit movie that somehow got an 18 certificate and a DVD release in the UK despite featuring detailed images of unsimulated sex (straight and gay). In here because it does contain some very small snippets of American burlesque and cabaret stars such as The Wau Wau Sisters, The World Famous *BoB* and Dirty Martini - blink and you'll miss them. It's an exceptional movie but because of the explicitness and. more importantly, the tiny amount of burlesque I've put it in my may appeal section.

BURLESQUE VIVO THE PINK SUITE

A DVD featuring 7 burlesque performers doing acts that you can watch in 3D. Put together by LBF/LBW producer Chaz Royal. In my 'may appeal' section because although it features some truly amazing performers I absolutely hate 3D. If I watch a movie at the cinema in 3D it's because that's the only way I can watch it and I just have to see the film. The DVD may be the best thing since sliced bread, I doubt I'll ever find out.

LEARN THE ART OF BURLESQUE WITH KEEDA BREEZE

A very simple instructional DVD on performing burlesque. Like all learn burlesque DVD's it will never turn you into an instant star, but it's easy enough to use for the non-performer if you want to dip your toes in the water without attending a burlesque class like the ones my wife, Angel LaVey, runs in the heart of Birmingham (shameless plug over). From a non-teaching perspective the interactions between Keeda Breeze and Dolly Rocket are farily entertaining, as are the scenes with Ophelia and Keeda. Copies can be brought on Amazon and it was available in Ann Summers (and may still be). If you want an instructional DVD on learning burlesque then this is the best you'll get.

DITA VON TEESE AT CRAZY HORSE

Probably a must buy for anyone who's addicted to Dita Von Teese. I've seen it and was left disapointed. The DVD features performances from the Crazy Horse. It's exceptionally artistic and well choreographed but I felt overall it was a little empty and soulless. The best parts are the scenes with Dita Von Teese whilst the rest is a mixed bunch of well put together acts that just didn't grab me. The DVD also features interviews with Dita. Potential viewers should be made aware that the DVD feature full frontal nudity that could be considered artistic. I imagine putting this DVD on my 'may appeal' list instead of 'must see list will split opinions.

BURLESQUE

In my opinion an utter stinker of a movie because of the miss-use of the word burlesque and the negative consequences of that false advertising, cheesr Hollywood executives. Has split burlesque fans, promoters and performers down the middle. Is ideal for those who love extended music videos, unintentionally bad scripts and well choreographed dance routines featuring outfits that wouldn't go amiss in a tame lads mag. For those that like actual burlesque over programmes like Got To Dance it should probably reside on the avoid list.

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And that's my blog about burlesque movies and DVD's. It's not an exhaustive list and I'm well aware that some films will have been missed off. I'd also like to point out that my opinions of the movies and DVD's in this blog are exactlty that, mine. Feel free to disagree with me



The Worst Burlesque Performer 2011

Yes, it's January 2012 so it's time for me to stick the boot into the politically correct burlesque movement with my award for the Worst burlesque Performer 2011. And I'm delighted to say that last year brought an absolute stinker to my awareness, although I had to wait until the end of 2011 to finally cast my eyes over the winner.

And it gives me great sadness to announce the run away winner for Worst burlesque Performer 2011, and this year it's not just a single performer, nor a double act. This year the award goes to an entire troupe.

This troupe achieved world wide success with their sanitised and watered down family friendly dance routines inbetween some of the worst back stage politics I've ever had the missfortune to see. The lead singer of the troupe even manages to sanitise Marilyn Mansons brutal song Beautiful People to a point that you could play it at a Church meeting. They are respionsible for an influx of new burlesque fans who went to many burlesque shows up and down the country and promptly walked out because there were no lavish sets, no large groups of flawlessly choreographed dance routines, no storylines, fat performers (their words, not mine) and shows that were not tasteful nights out because they featured bad language, adult humour and burlesque nudity! Oh my God, how dare a burlesque show feature those three things, how will parents bring their twelve year old daughter to a show now she wants to be just like her idols?

Yes, you've probably guessed it, the award goes to:

The Worst Burlesque Performer 2011 Winner

The Burlesque Lounge troupe from the movie Burlesque

Well done ladies and gents, or should I say barmen who suddenly became street dancers (wow their on-screen boss sure doesn't know how to get the best out of anyone). However I feel that a special nod should be given to those people behind the dance troupe, and I don't mean the overly plastic Cher and the excellent Stanley Tucci. Oh no, the special nod should be to the people in this place.

Yep, Hollywood, the place movie dreams come to die and get replaced by movies designed to sell overpriced merchandise and supply toys for in kids Happy Meals at McDonalds. Thank you film company directors for shamelessly cashing in on anything they can to make a quick buck. At this rate they'll make a movie about flogging a dead horse (although it won't feature any flogging or horses, dead or alive).

To be fair to the movie Burlesque it is an acceptable musical, but it should have been called Cabaret or Musical, not Burlesque. Bar two very small scenes, one involving feather fans and another featuring a contortionist, none of the performance set pieces would have much trouble being performed on prime time TV unless it's being watched by Daily Mail readers and those offended by stuff you'd see on a mannequinn in the lingerie department.

And to prove my point about the Daily Mail: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1337879/X-Factor-2010-final-Viewers-outraged-Christina-Aguilera-Rihannas-racy-performances.html - please remember to clean your monitor after visiting the Daily Mail website, you don't know what it might have picked up (after all the more conservative someone is on the outside the more depraved they can be on the inside).

The favourite part from Burlesque comes near the beginning -  "Is this a strip club?" (from the poster outside it sure looks like one with a bunch of single name performers akin to a lap dancing club - I should know as Enchanted Burlesque was booked to do a party at one)  "The only Pole you'll find in there is Natasha the shot girl." Don't worry pole fans, a few dance routines later a pole is introduced to add to the glitzy tackiness of the Burlesque Lounge and the film. If the love interest angle or the villain had been any more obvious you'd have needed someone with a giant neon sign standing in front of you shouting the plot points through a megaphone. Meanwhile the bitchy diva who gets replaced by Christina comes good in the end in the most unconvincing ways possible, somehow she and her boss, Cher, patch things up in about a minute towards the end of the movie.

So, if you enjoy slickly edited prolonged music videos, Cher miming badly whilst singing a song that's as accurate as a political parties election mannifesto and a story so by the numbers viewers will only need basic counting skills to follow the plot then you know which movie to watch: the same film Cher walked out the back door of rather than watch at the premier. And the best thing about the DVD version if you brought it expecting actual burlesque rather than a musical with a missleading title; it can act as a coaster for your coffee mug whilst you watch a proper film about burlesque, some of which I shall be talking about in my next blog.

For your reading pleasure please visit http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/movies/film-review-burlesque/story-e6frf8r6-1225987732943 for a review of Burlesque. I find the review refreshingly honest and, like a lot of reviews I saw when the film first came out, happy to point out that Burlesque isn't that much burlesque. Well, not deliberately burlesque, some of the acting and scripting could be seen to be mocking actual actors and scriptwriters but I'm not 100% convinced that was intentional.


On a final note I'd like to point out that the 2011 winners almost didn't win. No, I didn't see anyone else this missleading in their job description, I'm referring to the fact that I only watched the movie because it was on the Sky movie channels. Trust me, nothing on this planet would have made me pay just to watch this movie.

Staying Safe - You May Need More Than A Rhinstone Encrusted Condom

It's nearly time for me to announce the winner of the Worst Burlesque Performer 2011, and at one point I was going to award it to an anonymous promoter who seemed to be getting a lot of bad press from performers, other promoters and goodness knows who else, but for important reasons that will soon become obvious I'm writing this blog on staying safe instead. The informtaion contained within isn't rocket science, most people have probably already heard some of it, but as I feel it may be worthwhile posting this as a gentle reminder for those who may have forgotten and also for those new to the burlesque circuit.


Quick note; although this blog is aimed primarily at women I wish to point out that it could benefit some male perfomers as well. As for my qualifications to write this blog; my wife is a burlesque performer who has trekked up and down the country working for total strangers at their burlesque shows, private parties and corporate events. Many a time I've been eagerly awaiting a phone call late at night so that I know she's okay, the promoter's treated her properly and she has somewhere safe to stay.


Let's start with the basics.


1) Is the event an established event or a new one? An established event is easier to check up on so it would be easier to find out if anyone had a bad experience working for Enchanted Burlesque than with Fred's First Bulesque Show (apologies if that's your shows name and you've been going for years, it's just an example). If a burlesque show has a bad reputation then even with the wall of silence that permiates the scene you're bound to find a bunch of disgruntled performers eventually. On a side note, be wary of hearsay, rumours and individuals or cliques spreading malicious gossip.


2) Get a contract signed contract. If the promoter won't sign a contract then make sure all the important details such as agreed fees, the real name of the promoter and their contact business/home address are in an e-mail. If a promoter or someone who is booking you for an event is doing everything they can not to commit anything important to any form of writing then the next step may be utterly useless to you. A performer I know learnt the hard way about the dubious bookings that only mention fees in phone conversations.

3) Join Equity. You get legal cover that will assist you when taking a promoter to court for unpaid fees, even for trivial sums. You'll also get Public Liability Insurance. Of course you could always skip joining Equity and pay your own legal costs, state your own case and hope for the best. Just remember that even if a promoter has ripped you off you'll still get in trouble if you decide to bash them or send someone else round to bash them. Whilst the world might be a better place if con merchant promoters could only be found under the garden patio the law doesn't work that way. Finally on this subject I listened with glee to the Equity West Midlands Variety legal rep tell Angel and I about the promoter he took to court for an unpaid £10 fee. Rather than hand over the money the silly promoter got thir day in court and ended up paying legal costs on top of that £10 performance fee.


4) Does someone you trust know where you are going? I know it might sound silly, but I always wanted to know who Angel was performing for and I knew when she got there and when she'd finished performing. I'd also be told when she was safely in her hotel or the promoters/friendly performers house. At the end of the day it might not offer much protection, but so long asthe people you're with know you have a safety system in place it may deter some of the opportunistic vermin. Use of a random code word can help, because anyone could send your partner a text saying 'I'm okay, speak later'. Just do your trusted person a favour and send that message or make that phone call if it's to be expected.


5) When you're at the venue you have a right to expect some level of security and privacy. If the audience are running on stage and gropping the other performers, and no-one's doing anything about it, or the promoter's in the dressing room with his video camera out taking photographs of you changing despite the fact that you don't want him to then perhaps it's time to bail out of the event. You were asked to perform burlesque, not offer sexual services or have a picture of your naked body circulated around the internet without your consent. It should also be noted that unwanted sexual attention is potentially a crime. You may be a burlesque performer and you show off most parts of your body for people to look at, but if a promoter bites your backside and leaves a bruise without your consent you may have a case for the local police force. Think of it this way, in the news a few years ago a police officer was imprisoned for sexually assaulting and raping prostitutes he had arrested, he felt that he could get away with it because of what they did to earn money, he's now in prison.


6) Take a chaperone. Most shows should offer a guest pass for the booking (although it's not always the case) so if you can take a friend or partner with you if you can. If you're doing a modelling shoot or a private party then I especially recommend you take a chaperone with you, and if you don't feel safe about the booking then cancel it as soon as you can. If a private party or photographer refuses to allow you to take a chaperone then I suggest you bail immeadiately. If you can't take someone with you to a show then see who else is on the bill, do you know them very well and could you trust them? Failing that take additional money with you or a credit card incase you decide not to accept the offer of a bed at the promoters house. A last minute room at a Travelodge might be expensive and cost you more than you're being paid, but there are worse things than being out of pocket. You may also need extra money incase the promised place to stay doesn't materialise; I was rather annoyed at a promoter-performer who abandoned one of their headline performers in unfamiliar territory after the show ran horribly late, thankfully that person stopped running shows a couple of years ago.


7) Does your case have a lock on it? You've finished the show, been paid and then put the money in your case. You head to the bar for a drink, have a chat with a few audience members staying around then head back to your case before leaving. In that 5-30 minutes x amount of people could have walked into the dressing room and opened your case to steal from it. A lock will deter a lot of opportunists.


These simple points will not make the world 100% safer and this blog isn't the be all and end all of being safe, it's just stuff I've learnt over the years from being a concerned and sometimes overly protective husband of a performer. Angel's still encountered her fair share of weirdos, letches and unscrupulous promoters. In one case she had a groper removed from a venue after he got overly friendly - it's long been rumoured that the groper 'slipped on the staircase' as the security removed him. In another case Angel was booked for a charity gig that turned out to be a leaving do party - a short discussion with the organiser about her Equity membership benefits resulte in not only herself getting a reasonable fee but also 3 other performers being paid. Knowing what you can do can be of help if or when it happens, and being prepared can safe guard you from some horrible situations.

This blog was brought about by a few people talking to me about a promoter whose been accussed of sexually assualting performers and refusing to pay them. I imagine right now half the performers in that promoters area know how bad it is to accept a booking from them. What bothered me more was how some of the performers had been back to work for the promoter despite the bad treatment they'd received. But I'm not here to name and shame the promoter or warn people who it is. I learnt a long time ago not to take up the battle for other people, because right around the time I'm locking horns with the 'offender' those who've asked for my support have been nowhere to be seen but a whole bunch of other people are looking at me like I'm the wrongdoer. I've also been mislead by people I once trusted, thinking x person was really nasty when they were not. So instead of launching a scathing attack on the promter or, as one performer suggested, set up an Enchanted Burlesque show in that area to put the promoter out of business I'm going to send it right back to those who have the grievances. If everything I've been told is true then you know how to stop the abuse, look after yourself first. If the promoter is really that bad then rest assured, if they have a few cases against them from Equity members they'll be named and shamed in the local branches meetings by the local areas legal rep.


Take care of yourselves and have a Happy new Year. The (tongue in cheek) Worst Burlesque Performer Awared 2011 will be announced in early January.

2011 Year in Review

After last years compelling year in review I figured I'd get moving with my 2011 report.

1. Performers, maids, promotors etc - what has been you favourite night you performed at/promoted/organised/maided/compered/helped out with this year?

Enchanted Burlesque - Risqué wins hands down purely for being our first sell out in the old Rep Theatre ever.

2. Without naming names - tell us about the worst show you were involved in/watched this year (if there was one!)


The worst show for me in 2011 was one I attended. There was nothing wrong with the event per say, but I was at the event after a really bad day and my head just wasn't into it. I realised very quickly that I wasn't going to engage in the event and that I was only there because my wife was performing so rather than risk my energies dragging down other people around me and ruining their night I wandered over to the other bar and propped it up all night. The show could have been amazing, I really wasn't watching it, but I was just in a negative place and needed to do something else that night.

3. What was/is your first and last gig of 2011 (watching or performing)?


My first gig of 2011 was the Newbies final at the Public in West Bromwich. I was just in the audience casting a popular vote whilst Angel was one of the official judges. I'm delighted to say that the performer I voted for, Muma Tootsie, was also the top rated performer on Angel's score sheet and the winner of the event.

My last gig of 2011 was the last ever Black Country Burlesque show. It's sad to see Robin Lowe move on to other things, but he got very fed up of certain things floating around in the burlesque circuit and decided to jack it all in. Robin and BCB did more for the newcomers, the amateurs and the hobbyists than any other burlesque show in the West Midlands. Angel and I have worked with some lovely up and coming performers thanks to Robin giving them a stage to hone their craft, and we've also added a fair few performers to our 'watch' list. Some of today's amateurs are future stars.

4. Who were your favourite performers to watch this year?

Mama Jenufa made my sides ache with laughter at the Newbies final. Mister Meredith never fails to amuse me. Frank Sanazi is brilliantly wrong. Mat Ricardo is a legend. Mysti Vine is still deliciously filthy when she does her v-stume act. Finally I really enjoyed watching Angel LaVey's Saturday Night Fright vaudeville act at Drop Dead Gorgeous and I loved it. Oh, and don't forget Mister Joe Black. I know I'm going to have missed several other performers so please accept my apologies in advance.

5. What was the best act you saw this year (and who did it)?


The Emotional Strip by Emerald Ace. I finally got to see it live at a corporate event run by Enchanted Burlesque.

6. What was the best costume you saw this year (and who did it belong to)?


Easy - Mysti Vine's newly blinged v-stume.


7. What was the worst thing about being a burlesque fan/performer this year?


Not having the money to travel regularly to Portsmouth to watch Joe Black's House of Burlesque. Angel and I went to his show headlined by Barry and Stuart, then partied with the cast and other audience members after the show. It felt like being back at the Candy Box again. If Angel and I hadn't run Enchanted Burlesque - Risqué then Joe Black's House of Burlesque would have bee the hands down best burlesque show of 2011.

8. Who have you met and made friends with this year though burlesque?


I really enjoyed meeting Susie von Garter and chatting about the trials and tribulations of being a promoter. Altghough I'd already met them I feel that I've become friendlier with Mister Meredith and Satine Di Monte this year.


9. What have you achieved/been proud of this year?


I'm actually very proud of what my wife achieved this year. As promoters we try to make sure our performers are treated as well as they can be and that we give them a fair fee (not always easy if budgets are tight, but we still manage it). At the Equity annual ARC Angel challeneged the union to come up with standard contracts for burlesque performers, and that has now been done after her input and the input of others (Glorian Gray comes to mind but others did contribute). Whilst the contracts will not sort out every problem it's an important step in the right direction.


For me, I finally achieved my dream of being a compere for a corporate event.


Once again running two hugely successful shows for Enchanted Burlesque has to come in here somewhere.


10. What were your Burly related goals this year, did you achieve them?

I had a dream in 2011 to take Enchanted Burlesque on the road. The reality is I was pushing the company too hard at a time when it wasn't ready to do that. The other goal, which was achieved, was to get some decent meaty coporate bookings.


11. Burlesque in the media in '11... any thoughts?


Right nowe I'm very negative about the mass media. Thank goodness for magazines like Burlesque Bible which will hopefully reverse the trend of the clueless celebrity obssessed popular media. Sadly I feel that the movie Burlesque did a lot of harm, portraying the scene as a music video to the masses.


12. Lessons of 11


Focus your energies on doing what you do best rather than fighting with those who have too much time on their hands. Adversity cannot derail you if you focus upon is what you need to achieve rather on what others try to claim about you.


13. What are your Burly related goals for 2012?

To run another large scale shows in Birmingham called Enchanted Burlesque - Believe. To put on another show in Steeple Aston that will have them asking us back again, Enchanted Burlesque Champagne Supernova. To continue to get corporate bookings. To be in a position to write the 2012 year in review. Oh, and I know I'm probably dreaming, but to take Enchanted Burlesque on the road in theatres.

Empowered into Prostitution

A while back I developed a backlog which meant I couldn't write any blogs. Now I finally have time to do so and as luck would have it I've been given a little food for thought to cover one of those issues thanks to an article on The University Observer website that links burlesque with prostitution. Special thanks to Jon Hozier-Byrne* for that enlightenment.

'Burlesque is not about empowerment, its about entertainment. The stage is not a place to work out your issues.'**

Wellllllll..... yes and no. The reasons why women (and men) get into performing burlesque is varied. Therefore what burlesque is about will change from person to person, there is no one defining criteria as to why every burlesque performer will get into performing burlesque. Therefore it is perfectly viable that someone will see performing burlesque as a way to work through their personal issues and obtain empowerment.

But I need to turn this subject on it's head. A performer reason for getting into burlesque is mostly if not wholly irrelevant to the people who make it a viable option, the audience. Admittedly some friends and family of the performer will watch them as a form of support as said performer seeks their empowerment on the stage of a local pub, that's what friends and family can do. But once you go outside that circle of friends and family you have people unconnected with the performer and their personal issues, they won't know any underlying reason why the performer is on the stage, they'll just be in attendance for their own reasons.

Then I need to bring myself in as a promoter. As a promoter my main aim is to create shows and events that are attractive to paying audience members, companies and people in need of bespoke entertainment. My criteria for picking performers will start with the most important factor, is the performer entertaining and will they fit the event I'm organising. As harsh as it sounds I'm not interested in whether a performer is working because they are working out their personal issues or seeking empowerment. I'm looking for performers who can deliver on-stage, if I wanted a performer to work through their issues in a creative way I'd probably invite them to attend a counselling session with myself in which they use their creativity in a manner befitting Gestalt psychotherapy.

However I need to turn the tables again. There is an event called DaDaFest which celebrates artists in the disabled community. As a part of the Liverpool DaDaFest there is (or was) an event called DaDalesque which is a burlesque show that features performers with disabilities. I'm left wondering if that event is indeed very empowering for the audience irrespective of their connections with the performers, and is it empowering for the performers also because they face a constant battle against disabilities that others may have given in to. Only those performers can answer that question.

Finally I return to Jon Hozier-Byrne and his comment 'burlesque originated as a way for brothels to advertise their services to the paying public'. I'm not a burlesque historian so I cannot argue for or against his comment. As you can imagine Jon has a strong dislike of burlesque. Don't believe me, try this extract.

'Far be it from me to tell people what they can and cannot do. Different
things make different people happy, and for some people, dressing up in funny
costumes constitutes is an enjoyable evening. Who am I to tell them what they do
is silly, or even untasteful? (sic)

I’m the last right-thinking man on the planet, that’s who. Burlesque is the worst thing in the world, and it needs to be killed, killed with fire.'

Thank you Jon. Jon reminds me of the kind of person who takes anything remotely sexual that people find empowering and does their best to turn it into a sordid lifestyle filled with the raincoat brigade and their sexually exploitable victims. If a woman finds performing burlesque striptease empowering then the argument is that she's deluded, an abuse victim, seeing the world through rose tinted glasses and easily manipulated for the sexual desires of men. If a man likes burlesque it's because he's a sexual predator who views women as objects to get off on then discard after abusing them in every way imaginable.

In short, according to people like Jon, women can't be empowered by burlesque because someone else doesn't approve of them enjoying their own bodies and sharing a part of themselves with others who may be very happy to see lots of skin. So what is the definition of empower?

em·pow·er (m-pour) - To equip or supply with an ability; enable.****

Well, empower doesn't say 'to enable in a conservative fashion that will not offend' so I guess anyone who states burlesque is not empowering are really saying 'I would not find performing burlesque or watching someone perform burlesque empowering' - they just have ownership issues, they want everyone to agree with them, and it's a common as muck way of being because we'll probably all do it at some point in our lives.

Finally I'll bring this blog full circle to prostitution. In the past I have read articles that have claimed lap dancing is a gateway to prostitution, now it looks like dear old Jon could be responsible for kick starting the craze of the anti-burlesque brigade claiming that burlesque is the new (or re-newed) gateway into prostitution. I guess if that's true then I must be a brothel keeper or pimp and I never knew it.

Perhaps I've been living under a rock. I've been to a fair few burlesque shows and I've yet to be propositioned for a paid sexual encounter yet. I've heard a few risque comments by comperes about some of the performers but I haven't had a promoter come up to me after a show and offer me one of the girls. Hell, I've been to one of the most successful fetish/alt burlesque events in the country on my own and still not been offered negotiable affection payable by the hour, and my monies as good as anyone else. On the reverse as a promoter I've never beaten a performer, taken all her money off of her or demand she pay me for working at Enchanted Burlesque before forcing her to sleep with some bloke. In short if I or every other legitimate promoter is running a brothel then I really do look like the picture above (I'm a middle aged white dude with hair issues, it's migrated from my head to my ears,nose and anywhere else it never used to grow from).

I have no doubt that someone somewhere does use, will try to use or has already used the word burlesque to hide the word prostitution but as prostitution is mostly illegal around the world that's not a surprise, but the odd miss-use does not equate the entire scene. To put it into perspective have you every read a tabloid newspaper article which reports on a black teenager savagely beating a victim before mugging them, and then look exasperated when someone else who read the same article claims it's something all black teenagers do. But the haters and nay-sayers will cling onto the smallest piece of ammunition if it means they can get what they want and force it down the throats of everyone else. Perhaps what they really need to do is find a kindly surgeon who'll happily remove that metaphorical stick from their arses.

So there you have my 5 cents worth (careful, they could be Euro cents). Performing burlesque can be empowering, but it's mostly only relevant to the person who feels the need to be empowered, the same goes for working through personal issues as part of your performing. Oh, and burlesque generally doesn't lead to prostitution although I do know a woman who went from burlesque performing to adult film work, Talulah Tease (cue victory whoops by the anti-burlesque brigade at that small morsel).

*Jon Hozier-Byrne is a comedian, therefore the article may be a very funny attempt at comedy that I simply am not the target audience for. Please visit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MghH5HSz0yk to see one of Jon's stand up routines and judge for yourself.

** Taken from a friends only post on a burlesque performers Facebook wall so I'm afraid I can't credit that person without their consent first, but if you know who you are then credit from me. Wow, that's a bit complex.

***http://www.universityobserver.ie/2011/11/11/soapbox-–-burlesque/

****http://www.thefreedictionary.com/empowered